


The Highly Efficient, Unescapable and Cruel Smash Prison!

by redrebellion



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Everyone is a criminal AU, Explicit Language, Prison AU, goes well with the songs listed, kinda breaking the fourth wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28990413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redrebellion/pseuds/redrebellion
Summary: All your favourite Smash characters are criminals Yay! Link gets trhown into she safest and most cruel prison in the world: Smash Prison. Having broken out of every other prison, he doesn't plan on stopping his criminal mastermind plans anytime soon, and neither do Marth, Lucina or anyone else who's in. There's songs! There's violence! Swear words! Betrayal! Love! And probably something else in there too.
Kudos: 4





	The Highly Efficient, Unescapable and Cruel Smash Prison!

He counts the bumps while in the car. One after the other. 14,15,16… Who’s he lying to? He’s lost count. They’ve been going around the country in a police car for hours now. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think they’re leaving Nintendo City back into Hyrule, although he’s not sure Hyrule has an extradition treaty with the city. Not that any one country would want it; NC is the heart of crime, everyone who wants to be someone in the business grows up there, and gets shit done there.

Honestly, the trip wouldn’t have been that bad if: 1) he wasn’t going where he _knows_ he’s going, and 2) if the driver hadn’t had the **Beach Boys’ “Surfin the USA”** on repeat for almost three hours now. He had learnt it the hard way but turns out being blindfolded and listening to constant “Oooos” was a pretty good torture method. That and dehydration.

They finally stop at somewhere; he doesn’t care enough to guess. The back of the police van slid open, casting blinding light he would have felt if he could see any and blowing very hot air into his face. One policeman grabs him by one of his cuffed arms and pulls him off the vehicle, throwing him into a new, sandy, rocky and hot floor.

“ _Desert_.” He thinks. “ _Just my luck_.”

“Hey, I know we ain’t exactly friends, but mind telling me where we are?” he paused. “It’s just kinda customary for guests to know where on earth they are, even if they are unwilling to be so.”

One man next to him laughed. “Huh, look at the guy! He talks! No more “silent bad guy” crap, ay?”  
Link was offended. “Hey, if I’m known for something it ain’t for staying quiet!” he got closer to where he thought the man was. However, one of the policemen just pushed him slightly forward and he hit the car. He dropped the sunglasses he had in his shirt’s neck. They all burst out laughing while he sensed the hot and stinging metal plate to his face. “This has gotta be some kind of abuse… Can I at least get those back?”

“Oh you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Right, take the blindfold off and show him where he’s headed.” Said what he had assumed to be the chief there. Another man got a hold of his head and violently freed him of his blindfold, not before gently giving him his sunglasses. After a few seconds where the light blinded him, seeing only white, he eventually was able to look around him. He saw desert, not the dune kind, but the sad western type. There was no road, no buildings, no airplanes and no people besides them; four policemen and a criminal.

“Right… It’s a lovely desert. You should be proud of yourselves, guys…” he said, but he got caught in the hands of a man, a weirdly big man, only he was actually a giant monkey, perhaps a gorilla.

“Officer Kong, Donkey Kong.” The monkey said.

“Kong! What did we say about introducing ourselves?!” said a man with blond hair and enormous muscles.

“Right, sorry, Captain Simon Belmont. I mean… cap. Shit.” He sighed. Simon Belmont sighed as well as he facepalmed.

“It’s an honour, Captain Simon Belmont…” said Link.

“Shut it.” Said another one of the policemen.

“Sorry Mr. Beach Boys… You’re the driver, right? I can tell by your shirt… I’m more of a Beatles guy myself, but hey… Even so, Good Vibrations is miles better than Sur-“ he was interrupted by Officer Kong as he got spun around to look at the other side. There he saw an enormous building, many storied tall and with towers and barbed wire everywhere. At least four layers of fences surrounded the absurdly space occupying faculty. “Holy…” Captain Belmont laughed and spoke up.

“Welcome, Mr. Link, to the great Smash Prison!”

* * *

As Link came closer to the building, it was clear this was unlike any prison he had ever seen. Security cameras as well as armed guards covered the outside, and he didn’t even want to get to know the insides of it.

“You’re putting me here for trying to get some cash?! Come on!” protested Link.

“You call trying to rob Nintendo City General Bank “some cash”? You mental?”

“Shut up, Beach Boy.” Answered Link.

“His name is Ryu, piece of…” began Officer Kong.

“Kong! Shut it!” shouted Captain Belmont.

“Sorry…” said Kong ashamed.

“How did I even get captured by you guys?” wondered Link out loud.

They made their way up to the third stop point where they checked their IDs for the third time again. A completely white woman who wore yoga pants used a machine to check them in. Link noticed she used one different for the police and another for his.

“New inmate?” asked the woman.

“One of the worst. Heard about the robbery at NC Bank?” replied Captain Belmont.

“Wait? This is that Mr. Link the whole country’s been looking for? I’m Wii Fit Instructor, call me Instructor. Big fan. What was your show name? Th uh…” the woman seemed to be fangirling over him, but Link didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t enjoy it, but he was glad she was pissing the policemen off.

“The Hero of Crime. It’s clever, huh?” he looked at the angry policemen. “See” he continued “in High School they used to know me as the Hero of…” he was interrupted by getting punched in the stomach. Beach Boy Ryu had struck him right where it hurt, and he had done it well. “Jeez…”

“Let’s continue.” Beach Boy Ryu said.

“Right…” began Instructor. “Well, you’re all good Have fun at Smash Prison! I loved what you did back in Garreg Mach!” she shouted as they went into the prison itself, standing ominously before Link.

Link gulped. “She seems nice…”

“She’s the odd one out.” Said Captain Belmont.

“Man, I hope she’s a recurring character that lightens the mood.”

“Shut it.”

After going through a long and dark corridor, the guards let him go and uncuffed him. They answered Link’s confused face.

“Well, we can’t babysit you no more. We’re police, not guards, and we ain’t permitted further into the prison.” Officer Kong pointed at a door right in front of him, that which lead into the prison. “You’ll be able to find your way?”

He started hearing **White Room by Cream** in his head. That was it, the perfect intro to his character and story! Link got pumped. The beginning started to play out.

“Oh, you bet it. I’ll be out of here in no time. You guys don’t know who I am? I’ve gotten inside every bank vault, seen every diamond that was not supposed to be seen and beaten every guy who tells me I’m wrong! I’ve escaped every prison I’ve ever been to, scammed everyone who thinks they’re too smart to be scammed!” The policemen laughed at him and Link got irritated.

“No one’s ever escaped Smash Prison, punk.” Said Captain Belmont with a sly smirk on his face.

“You’ll see, cap! I’ll make history! I’ll get out of this dumpster and you’ll be seeing my face all over TV when I get what I left at NC, you’ll see!” Link stated.

Then the door behind him buzzed. Fences came from the floor separating Link from the policemen. As he waved them a last goodbye and politely showed them the middle finger, he put his sunglasses on. The Door opened with a red light to reveal a white corridor ahead. A tall man with his face covered and red and blue clothes and a blue-haired old man with a sword pushed him into the prison.

The intro started to end, and Link heard in his head how the rock part would accompany his grand escape of the place.

He made his way in (pushed by the apparent guards) and walked through another, this time lit hallway of white bricks barred to the sides, where many convicts whistled, shouted, and tried to lunge at him for no reason. He didn’t recognise a single face. Just when he thought he saw a familiar face somewhere in the crowd, one of the convicts suddenly climbed the fences that separated that zone from his hallway and punched him square in the face.

**“ _Just when the singing starts… Bastard_ ”**

He fell down and realized he was bleeding. He quickly punched him back and lunged at him. The tall guard grabbed him from the back, but he punched him with the back of his hand, freeing himself and kicking the prisoner who attacked him. He was a fat, ugly man. With a big moustache and a pink noise and not much brown hair, he laid on the floor bleeding until the other guard picked him up and tossed him too easily to the other side of the fences, where the other convicts still tried to get at him.

“Well look who it is” Said one.

“Imma murder you, man!” said another

“He’s cute, he’ll die soon. Said a female voice.

“Off you go!” shouted the blue haired man. He then tried to punch Link for hitting the other guard, who was holding him again. However, Link convinced him.

“Hey, man he attacked first! I’m sorry, but I gotta start on the right foot here, ‘kay? Sorry for punching your…” he looked back where he could see the smiling face of the guard that was holding him. “freakishly tall friend…”

The blue haired man doubted for a second, but the other guard stopped him. “Name’s Captain Falcon, inmate. And Chrom, don’t worry about him. Kid’s funny, and I like him. Plus, this intro scene with the music’s kinda cool.” The guard Chrom puffed and continued walking. Captain Falcon let go of Link and shoved him to go forward.

“At least let me pick these up…” He picked his sunglasses up again and, getting the blood off his lip with his fist, he continued walking alone along the hallway, insulting back at the inmates and toying with them as they tried to get at him.

They continued walking through several identical hallways until they reached a single all white cell. Chrom pushed him in and locked it, not before putting a strange metal bracelet in his wrist.

“Hey, what’s this?” Link protested signalling his new adornment.

“You’ll see. It’s getting late now, and you gotta sleep. Tomorrow you’ll see the real introduction to the place.” Said Captain Falcon.

“This is the White Room you’re in. Your cell for now.” Said Chrom.

“Oh, come on… At least it makes sense with the song…” Link muttered to himself.

Chrom shifted his position proudly, opening his arms at the air and shouting. “Welcome, Mr. Link, to Smash Prison!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it.”

End.


End file.
